Correspondence to the missing

Two letters I found in an old drawer. I changed the names though…

Dear Naomi,

It was good seeing you. It felt weird. I didn’t really know how to act. I even felt as if it were some sort of prize for the decisions I had taken earlier that day. I didn’t say much, I mostly listened to you. But that’s what we usually did before anyways… I was afraid to ask a lot of questions, I didn’t want to pry. I’m not sure I’m allowed to pry anymore.

At first when you told me s I didn’t know what to say. My mouth was literally wide open and you asked me why I was so in shock. It wasn’t because of that. It was because the reality that I am missing out on so many things in your life that I wish I wasn’t suddenly hit me like a brick wall collapsing over me. It hurt. That’s why I was so in shock. But after that it was really nice. It almost felt normal. Thank you, I guess. Because I know you don’t just do things. There’s always a reason.

To the moon,

Ruth

 

Dear Forty Three,

It was kind of a dumb thing to do… But you just passed by and although I was thinking about a completely different thing my mouth just kind of spat it out. You turned around and I froze. The following seconds are kind of a blur. All I know is I didn’t have the courage to look you in the eyes. Not so close-by, anyways. I felt really embarrassed and had to literally shake the memory of that moment off a couple of times after through the night. I got home and told my brother about it. He laughed. I think it’s hard on him too.

I’m reminded of you on a daily basis, although lesser and lesser each day. It’s mostly on days where’s time and I can’t occupy my mind with other things. I’m fighting for the 43, like we once sang about.

I see you and sometimes it makes me smile. Like those times a while ago when I saw you growing and literally felt as proud as a momma hen watching her young ones grow. I smiled that time too, but you weren’t there, Someone Else was, and she laughed when she saw me smiling about that. She thought I was weird. I think so at times, too.

It’s feels strange to feel weird about it when it used to be so normal. But we talked a lot about change, and our conclusions were always that change was always the best. I just never thought this is the point we’d reach in the end. This is, still, the best worst times of my life. He’s never been closer and my heart has never been hungrier. Jesus is becoming much more real to me. I never realized I really did actually need saving.

Thank you… Because if you hadn’t called that night I wouldn’t be here right now. It would have destroyed me completely. But you were brave, even though I’m sure you were as scared as I was. Still, you called. I hope one day I can tell you this.

Grilled Cheese Sandwich

 

 

 

Meditations, circa 2006

From my old blog. But very ad-hoc to what I’m experiencing right now.

People don’t change… But they can, they just don’t because it’s easier not to…

Am I going to change? I ask myself. Yes… It will not be easy. It will not be pleasant. It won’t be fast nor noticeable. At least you won’t think so… But it will be. It will be everything you wished for and more. It will be true and permanente if you give yourself in with all of your heart.

There are things you do because they tell you to. Not this. This is because you have no other option. You were made for this. Destined for this. In your heart, the depths of your heart, you know it is what it is. And you willingly give in. You let yourself stumble onto the darkness holding on to a promise of light. And surely: there it is. And you rejoice in the fact that those are the things you said you were made for. And that day: Today, you are there, and in your heart there was never any other option… sanctified.

Tu Fuego Me Consume (Fuego de Dios)

Hay algo en la melodía de esta canción que toca lo más profundo de mi corazón y me mueve de maneras que no puedo explicar. Esta es una parte de un track más largo pero ahorita no lo he podido subir completo. Va un pedacito.

Letra: Itzel Mendoza

Música, arreglos y voz: Mariana Woy

Processes

I’ve been thinking about picking up writing again for a few weeks now. As you can see, I’m finally doing it. It’s more for health purposes, I guess, because it’s not necessarily that I want to write, but there are so many things I’ve been unable to process in my head. Writing makes processing easier. So here goes some processing. I’m starting off where my mind has left off.

 

It’s Sunday, and I’ve been working pretty much non stop all day. Woke up at 7, did church (which was awesome, but tiring), ate some BK, spent some needed quiet time with God and got to it. Me and my laptop and a couple papers I’m still trying to figure out. So, I’m taking a IT class at college – a class that keeps reminding me that I am not as smart as I think I am. Or am I?

So with this context, I’m taking a break from work (it’s already been 2 hours) and I’m talking with a friend, who we’ll call P for writing purposes. Anyways, we’re doing Chai’s and speaking life and God and random dreams and as we’re driving home, P says something about asking God for dreams and visions. I remember spiritual gifts and start telling her how I keep wondering what my “powers” are – if I have any and have not “activated” them, or if I have them but am used to them and don’t notice them that way. I tell them how L speaks about her gifts and her using them as if she were literally using superpowers. I don’t have that… I’m wondering why.

So P goes on telling me that she thinks I do have powers (before I go on. I’m guessing some of you think I might be tripping with all this power talk, but I’m basically speaking about gifts of the Spirit such as discernment, words of knowledge, prophecy, etc.) but they might actually be dormant.

As we’re talking the conversation keeps going and I suddenly realize that over the years I’ve had so many people have so many expectations over me that at some point, I got “clogged”. I’ve always known that there’s something more to me, and I can sense that God has given me special gifts… (I’m not trying to sound prideful about this, so I hope it doesn’t come out like this.) but for a few years now, I’ve kind of been in pause mode. 

I’ve always been “weird”, and people have always seen something “different” in me. Even P tells me that ever since she met me she’s known that there’s something “different” about me… but what happened? What happened to that crazy 13 year old that could get 20 people to follow her to whatever exploits she thought important then.

And again it comes down to expectations. Expectations. The expectations people had over me. The expectations I’ve set upon me even now. and I guess at some point I began to live in fear of not fulfilling those expectations – or I messed up somewhere – and I just decided to stay safe and not risk making any more mistakes.

P was telling me that she thinks it might be that there are “things” that are hindering the activation of said powers. I think I can agree.

There’s no specific conclusion to what I’m saying here – other than it is a time where I want to actively move with the powers God has gracefully given me. I want to push play and risk it again – break expectations, leave them all behind and go for it. At the very least, today my conscience has been awakened to this reality.

I stand before You in awe of Your majesty,

You are real, and I have to believe.

It’s your love, it’s your fire, your desire.

and there’s nowhere I can run.

this is all I can muster up to write

snippets of wisdom

From A.W. Tozer’s “The Pursuit of God“

We have almost forgotten that God is a Person and, as such, can be cultivated as any person can. It is inherent in personality to be able to know other personalities, but full knowledge of one personality by another cannot be achieved in one encounter. It is only after long and loving mental intercourse that the full possibilities of both can be explored…

Come near to the holy men and women of the past and you will soon feel the heat of their desire after God. They mourned for Him, they prayed and wrestled and sought for Him day and night, in season and out, and when they had found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking…

How tragic that we in this dark day have had our seeking done for us by our teachers. Everything is made to center upon the initial act of `accepting’ Christ (a term, incidentally, which is not found in the Bible) and we are not expected thereafter to crave any further revelation of God to our souls. We have been snared in the coils of a spurious logic which insists that if we have found Him we need no more seek Him… In the midst of this great chill there are some… who will not be content with shallow logic. They will admit the force of the argument, and then turn away with tears to hunt some lonely place and pray, `O God, show me thy glory.‘ They want to taste, to touch with their hearts, to see with their inner eyes the wonder that is God.

Acute desire must be present or there will be no manifestation of Christ to His people. He waits to be wanted. Too bad that with many of us He waits so long, so very long, in vain.

Let’s not make Him wait anymore. Will we earnestly seek Him?

In someone else’s words…

I’ve found it quite hard to write these past weeks, but reading a post on Shawn’s blog I found that he had managed to express, albeit in his own words, what I was trying so hard to get a hold of. Here’s the excerpt so you guys can understand for yourselves.

What I have recently realized is that although I survived the transition from one season to another, I am not doing to well at navigating this new season. If you’re like me – and I imagine that you probably are – then you try to do the same things the same way when you move into a new season, only to find out that it doesn’t work that way. A new season in God often requires new disciplines and a new approach to encountering God.

Ultimately, as we navigate the ups and downs of life, we can come to a place where our inner man is in constant communion and fellowship with Christ within and the Holy Spirit. And that is precisely why this new season of mine is a gift from God. I have been massively challenged to encounter God in meetings and emails and isolated graphic designing.

The renowned Brother Laurence taught it best.

Our sanctification does not depend as much on changing our activities as it does on doing them for God rather than for ourselves.

He said that it was a serious mistake to think of our prayer time as being different from any other. Our actions should unite us with God when we are involved in our daily activities, just as our prayers unite us with Him in our quiet devotions.

It is the same resolve that Paul had: to count all things as loss for the excellence of knowing Christ. Our relationship with God cannot be based on external circumstances. It must become an inward reality that supersedes pressures, responsibilities, blessings and trials.

What more can I say really? All my empty promises lie broken at His feet, but He has never broken one… He gives beauty for ashes.

Who

do You say that I am?

just let my heart

be alive.

let it be living deep deep on the inside.

on my way to the oven… burn down, Father, burn it all down, up, around.

do what only You can do.

breakdown

immintent…

but kind of in a good way.

“oh, what a lousy excuse for a car
one mile to go, but i can’t push it that far
i think i’ve had enough
i think i’m, i’m giving up

saved all my money to buy a new guitar
then i got ripped off by the guy who fixed my car
i think i’ve had enough
i think i’m, I’m giving up

once again life’s thrown me a curve, and it blew up right in my face
once again life’s rattled my nerves
don’t you see that i’m stuck in the place?

all because, you’re giving me a …breakdown, breakdown ohh

stuck on the side of the road
emotional over-load.
He’ll seek and destroy
everything that I love more
I’ll be the one he takes down
I’ll breakdown in His arms.”

In my weakness He is made strong

*Lyrics from Relient K… but I modified some parts to match my overall beliefs