Processes

I’ve been thinking about picking up writing again for a few weeks now. As you can see, I’m finally doing it. It’s more for health purposes, I guess, because it’s not necessarily that I want to write, but there are so many things I’ve been unable to process in my head. Writing makes processing easier. So here goes some processing. I’m starting off where my mind has left off.

 

It’s Sunday, and I’ve been working pretty much non stop all day. Woke up at 7, did church (which was awesome, but tiring), ate some BK, spent some needed quiet time with God and got to it. Me and my laptop and a couple papers I’m still trying to figure out. So, I’m taking a IT class at college – a class that keeps reminding me that I am not as smart as I think I am. Or am I?

So with this context, I’m taking a break from work (it’s already been 2 hours) and I’m talking with a friend, who we’ll call P for writing purposes. Anyways, we’re doing Chai’s and speaking life and God and random dreams and as we’re driving home, P says something about asking God for dreams and visions. I remember spiritual gifts and start telling her how I keep wondering what my “powers” are – if I have any and have not “activated” them, or if I have them but am used to them and don’t notice them that way. I tell them how L speaks about her gifts and her using them as if she were literally using superpowers. I don’t have that… I’m wondering why.

So P goes on telling me that she thinks I do have powers (before I go on. I’m guessing some of you think I might be tripping with all this power talk, but I’m basically speaking about gifts of the Spirit such as discernment, words of knowledge, prophecy, etc.) but they might actually be dormant.

As we’re talking the conversation keeps going and I suddenly realize that over the years I’ve had so many people have so many expectations over me that at some point, I got “clogged”. I’ve always known that there’s something more to me, and I can sense that God has given me special gifts… (I’m not trying to sound prideful about this, so I hope it doesn’t come out like this.) but for a few years now, I’ve kind of been in pause mode. 

I’ve always been “weird”, and people have always seen something “different” in me. Even P tells me that ever since she met me she’s known that there’s something “different” about me… but what happened? What happened to that crazy 13 year old that could get 20 people to follow her to whatever exploits she thought important then.

And again it comes down to expectations. Expectations. The expectations people had over me. The expectations I’ve set upon me even now. and I guess at some point I began to live in fear of not fulfilling those expectations – or I messed up somewhere – and I just decided to stay safe and not risk making any more mistakes.

P was telling me that she thinks it might be that there are “things” that are hindering the activation of said powers. I think I can agree.

There’s no specific conclusion to what I’m saying here – other than it is a time where I want to actively move with the powers God has gracefully given me. I want to push play and risk it again – break expectations, leave them all behind and go for it. At the very least, today my conscience has been awakened to this reality.

I stand before You in awe of Your majesty,

You are real, and I have to believe.

It’s your love, it’s your fire, your desire.

and there’s nowhere I can run.

this is all I can muster up to write

snippets of wisdom

From A.W. Tozer’s “The Pursuit of God“

We have almost forgotten that God is a Person and, as such, can be cultivated as any person can. It is inherent in personality to be able to know other personalities, but full knowledge of one personality by another cannot be achieved in one encounter. It is only after long and loving mental intercourse that the full possibilities of both can be explored…

Come near to the holy men and women of the past and you will soon feel the heat of their desire after God. They mourned for Him, they prayed and wrestled and sought for Him day and night, in season and out, and when they had found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking…

How tragic that we in this dark day have had our seeking done for us by our teachers. Everything is made to center upon the initial act of `accepting’ Christ (a term, incidentally, which is not found in the Bible) and we are not expected thereafter to crave any further revelation of God to our souls. We have been snared in the coils of a spurious logic which insists that if we have found Him we need no more seek Him… In the midst of this great chill there are some… who will not be content with shallow logic. They will admit the force of the argument, and then turn away with tears to hunt some lonely place and pray, `O God, show me thy glory.‘ They want to taste, to touch with their hearts, to see with their inner eyes the wonder that is God.

Acute desire must be present or there will be no manifestation of Christ to His people. He waits to be wanted. Too bad that with many of us He waits so long, so very long, in vain.

Let’s not make Him wait anymore. Will we earnestly seek Him?

In someone else’s words…

I’ve found it quite hard to write these past weeks, but reading a post on Shawn’s blog I found that he had managed to express, albeit in his own words, what I was trying so hard to get a hold of. Here’s the excerpt so you guys can understand for yourselves.

What I have recently realized is that although I survived the transition from one season to another, I am not doing to well at navigating this new season. If you’re like me – and I imagine that you probably are – then you try to do the same things the same way when you move into a new season, only to find out that it doesn’t work that way. A new season in God often requires new disciplines and a new approach to encountering God.

Ultimately, as we navigate the ups and downs of life, we can come to a place where our inner man is in constant communion and fellowship with Christ within and the Holy Spirit. And that is precisely why this new season of mine is a gift from God. I have been massively challenged to encounter God in meetings and emails and isolated graphic designing.

The renowned Brother Laurence taught it best.

Our sanctification does not depend as much on changing our activities as it does on doing them for God rather than for ourselves.

He said that it was a serious mistake to think of our prayer time as being different from any other. Our actions should unite us with God when we are involved in our daily activities, just as our prayers unite us with Him in our quiet devotions.

It is the same resolve that Paul had: to count all things as loss for the excellence of knowing Christ. Our relationship with God cannot be based on external circumstances. It must become an inward reality that supersedes pressures, responsibilities, blessings and trials.

What more can I say really? All my empty promises lie broken at His feet, but He has never broken one… He gives beauty for ashes.

Who

do You say that I am?

just let my heart

be alive.

let it be living deep deep on the inside.

on my way to the oven… burn down, Father, burn it all down, up, around.

do what only You can do.

breakdown

immintent…

but kind of in a good way.

“oh, what a lousy excuse for a car
one mile to go, but i can’t push it that far
i think i’ve had enough
i think i’m, i’m giving up

saved all my money to buy a new guitar
then i got ripped off by the guy who fixed my car
i think i’ve had enough
i think i’m, I’m giving up

once again life’s thrown me a curve, and it blew up right in my face
once again life’s rattled my nerves
don’t you see that i’m stuck in the place?

all because, you’re giving me a …breakdown, breakdown ohh

stuck on the side of the road
emotional over-load.
He’ll seek and destroy
everything that I love more
I’ll be the one he takes down
I’ll breakdown in His arms.”

In my weakness He is made strong

*Lyrics from Relient K… but I modified some parts to match my overall beliefs

still standing

Oh but we are frail creatures.

It is too often we fall short of what is expected (Romas 3:23). There is a yes in our hearts, longing to fit into a mold of perfection. As we wake up each morning and stand before the mirror we see glimpses of many things. Who we are, what we do, where we’re from… who we are to become. Many times we loose sight of these things and just see what seems to be there. Weakness. Frailty. Broknennes. Reluctant and hesitant in nature. Those days are the best kind of day to see who you really are, but only if you pay attention closely.

As I stood last Friday, guitar clinging to my body, heart exposed on my sleeve I literally felt like I couldn’t remain standing anymore. As I felt the pressure on my knees, on my feet, on my back, I was seconds away from breaking out in tears. I felt completely incapable, for the first time I really felt and knew I had nothing to offer, my mind was blank, my heart pounding softly reminding me I had not slept more than 3 hours in the past 2 days. I was tired. The week’s roundabout had taken it’s toll on me. I could feel it and yet somehow, I was still standing. God spoke to me softly. My little fighter, stop fighting me.

When David wrote “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?” (Ps 139) there is a connotation  implying he was, or had been, running away from God’s prescence.

I don’t know about you, but many times, stuck in the mundaneness of this world, I come to realize I myself am running away… lost in the to-dos, routines and habits.

However, at the end of the day, sitting in my room in prayer I come before my God with the obvious realization. “You have hedged me behind and before (Ps 139), you have hedged up my way with thorns (Hos 2:6)” and I’ve felt the pricks, and I’ve run into walls, and yet you hold me here, and in spite of me, I’m still standing.

Waste and other stuff like it

I really wish I wrote more than I do… I honestly start posts that I don’t finish and publish too many times.

The “t” key in my laptop is not working right so I have to really press it to get my writing done correctly. It’s starting to get annoying. Really.

It’s funny that many times I start my posts with some sort of note about how “things are crazy right now in my life” or something involving a vast amount of change and me coping with it any way I can. I came to realize, just now really, that what was I expecting really? The life of a Christian (or “Christ follower” like those weird videos I saw on Godtube.com that are spoofs of the Mac v.s PC ads) is always changing. It will always be changing. It’s a journey that involves walking, tripping, running, falling, getting up, making the right and wrong turn… but it’s a journey non the less, and a journey is not a still frame moment where I just wait for things to happen. Things happen as I move on.

There are many things that have been floating through my head these past days. Because of how I am, many of those thoughts are about “the future” and where I’m going to be (”what” is no longer a question, since I’ve learned my identity is and will forever be in Christ).

If I let myself be completely and utterly honest with you (whoever it is that’s reading this) I battle so much in my mind trying to figure out if the decisions I’m taking are eternally worthy decisions. Not necessarily right or wrong, more like they’ll last all through eternity and I’m not wasting my life learning how to do a differential equation that won’t move anything in the everlasting realm. I mean sure, if you look at it from certain perspectives, being able to solve differential equations or blah blah is a gift from God. There’s mathematical perfection in the world that reveals the character of our God, but do I really want to spend my life doing math equations? No, not really.

But then again, math is a really over the top example, since I don’t even like math. Take film for example. Do I want to spend five years of my life studying film and then immerse myself into the film industry to come out with this amazing work of art, that granted, most likely will reach lots of people? Or do I want to just sit at God’s feet and be a student of His heart? Am I going too much into things or is it truly a Mary/Martha situation I’m facing?

I’ve started hearing the term “waste my life for Christ” in the “die to yourself” context, where everything I am is left for waste to follow God. Going a bit into a biblical scene, when Mary and Martha had Jesus over for dinner, Martha was wasting her life trying to “serve” Jesus (albeit with a wrong spirit) while Mary was wasting hers sitting at Jesus’ feet hearing Him speak. It’s obvious that the waste I want to be doing is Mary’s type, but where is the line drawn? Where do I know that literally sitting at Jesus’ feet and just soaking into the Word or preaching if afterwards is the waste you’re called for? Then you see another scene of waste when Mary pours the perfume over Jesus’ feet completely disregarding the fact that it was an incredibly expensive perfume, probably the best thing she had. Can you see where I’m going with this?

Translated into my life I’m wondering about school basically. Do I actually want to go and get my bachelors about whatever and then do something with it? Or do I want to just let it go and fill myself with God. I don’t know, get some Bible school done, ministry school, something. Where do I want my life to go to waste into? Wait, let me rephrase… where does God want me to waste my life? And more so, am I really willing to waste it the way He wants me to?

There’s gotta be something more

So much has happened in my head these past couple of days. My heart is still settling and I’m finally seeing what Boston did to me.

There’s a cry in my heart for more. I want more of God in a way that I’ve never have before. School and work and even money just seem unimportant to a degree in which I’m scared I might be going off on the wrong tangent. Hanging out sometimes feels like a waste of time. All I want is to be in my room, play my guitar, read my Bible and be. Other times, since I can’t play the piano (not for long though), I have to ask my brother to play the piano while I sing and pray. There’s something indescribable about flowing in God’s Word and repeating His words over and over again, feeling them marinate in my spirit.

The reason why I’m so infatuated with the Prayer Room webstream is not because I like music (although I think I don’t like anything as much as I like music) but because they’re singing the Word. And repeatedly they sing verses that are beginning to stick to my heart. So I listen to the singers (who have an amazing voice for my taste… most of them anyways) minister to the heart of God and my own heart starts to be pulled into the words. Suddenly I’m being drawn more and more into His heart.

Then I’m taking a ride on the boat with my friends and it rains and all I can think of is God, His beauty and how I am so amazed by Him.

This might be a bold thing to say, especially so soon, but I think my mind is beginning to become more of a Godly mindset.

Movies seem irrelevant, secular music feel unimportant, books are a waste of effort.

I usually do this whole conclusion to my posts, which I’ve also been taught to do on anything I write. But I can’t conclude here. Maybe with a song that’s kinda been stuck in my mind that reflects my state in so many aspects.

…

Something More – Switchfoot

Augustine just woke up with a broken heart
All this time he’s never been awake before
At 31 his whole world is a question mark
All this time he’s never been awake before

Watching dreams that he once had
Feed the flame inside his head
In a quiet desperation of the emptiness
He says

“There’s gotta be something more
Than what I’m living for
I’m crying out to You”

Augustine, all his fears keeping falling out
All this time he’s never been awake before
Finding out his old dreams aren’t panning out
All this time he’s never been awake before

But he’s mad to be alive
And he’s dying to be met
In a quiet desperation of the emptiness
He says

“There’s gotta be something more
Than what I’m living for
I’m crying out to You”

Hey, I give it all away
Nothing I was holding back remains
Hey, I give it all away
Looking for the grace of God today