I’ve been thinking about picking up writing again for a few weeks now. As you can see, I’m finally doing it. It’s more for health purposes, I guess, because it’s not necessarily that I want to write, but there are so many things I’ve been unable to process in my head. Writing makes processing easier. So here goes some processing. I’m starting off where my mind has left off.
It’s Sunday, and I’ve been working pretty much non stop all day. Woke up at 7, did church (which was awesome, but tiring), ate some BK, spent some needed quiet time with God and got to it. Me and my laptop and a couple papers I’m still trying to figure out. So, I’m taking a IT class at college – a class that keeps reminding me that I am not as smart as I think I am. Or am I?
So with this context, I’m taking a break from work (it’s already been 2 hours) and I’m talking with a friend, who we’ll call P for writing purposes. Anyways, we’re doing Chai’s and speaking life and God and random dreams and as we’re driving home, P says something about asking God for dreams and visions. I remember spiritual gifts and start telling her how I keep wondering what my “powers” are – if I have any and have not “activated” them, or if I have them but am used to them and don’t notice them that way. I tell them how L speaks about her gifts and her using them as if she were literally using superpowers. I don’t have that… I’m wondering why.
So P goes on telling me that she thinks I do have powers (before I go on. I’m guessing some of you think I might be tripping with all this power talk, but I’m basically speaking about gifts of the Spirit such as discernment, words of knowledge, prophecy, etc.) but they might actually be dormant.
As we’re talking the conversation keeps going and I suddenly realize that over the years I’ve had so many people have so many expectations over me that at some point, I got “clogged”. I’ve always known that there’s something more to me, and I can sense that God has given me special gifts… (I’m not trying to sound prideful about this, so I hope it doesn’t come out like this.) but for a few years now, I’ve kind of been in pause mode.
I’ve always been “weird”, and people have always seen something “different” in me. Even P tells me that ever since she met me she’s known that there’s something “different” about me… but what happened? What happened to that crazy 13 year old that could get 20 people to follow her to whatever exploits she thought important then.
And again it comes down to expectations. Expectations. The expectations people had over me. The expectations I’ve set upon me even now. and I guess at some point I began to live in fear of not fulfilling those expectations – or I messed up somewhere – and I just decided to stay safe and not risk making any more mistakes.
P was telling me that she thinks it might be that there are “things” that are hindering the activation of said powers. I think I can agree.
There’s no specific conclusion to what I’m saying here – other than it is a time where I want to actively move with the powers God has gracefully given me. I want to push play and risk it again – break expectations, leave them all behind and go for it. At the very least, today my conscience has been awakened to this reality.
