Quick note

If you’re a regular reader you might want to take a look back at the past months. I published some posts I had written on an alternate blog on this blog, but the post are scattered from august through november.

This is what freedom feels like

I’m having a hard time expressing, or even internally processing, all that has happened in my heart this past week. I have experienced Jesus and a freedom I never fathomed possible more so in the past ten days than I have ever in my life. God has literally set me free of bondages that had governed completely over my life for years… and what feels so much more intense to me is that He has actually made such a significant change in my emotions. There are feelings that ruled over my life with such strength that they just felt natural to me. But now I attest to His power to change my emotions – my emotional chemistry. I attest to His love to change the way I see Him, myself and others. I attest to His continuous reality of eternity and I-Am-ness… which I know is not technically a term. But He is… and because He is He has the power to do with me as He pleases.

It has pleased Him to make me free.

Thank you, Jesus.

*Hopefully I’ll be able to enter into greater detail soon. I’m feeling a writer’s unblock coming soon.

Turning Corners

I feel it.

I’m still not sure what’s going on or how it’s going to happen… but I just know my life’s about to turn a corner sometime soon.

I can feel God leading me; moving in my heart; shifting my emotions and my worldview.

It’s been about four months now since my life completely turned around and as I’ve been letting God reconstruct me, building me up from the ground, I can now see roots and a solid foundation.

I’m writing this as a testimony of what’s about to come. I know in a few weeks or months I’ll drop back and read this post and just know that the Holy Spirit was indeed giving me a heads up. Even now, as I am writing this, this verse popped into my head:

“See, the former things have taken place, and new things I declare; before they spring into being I announce them to you.”

- Isaiah 42:9

This right here… this is His official announcement.

Thank you, Jesus.

Correspondence to the missing

Two letters I found in an old drawer. I changed the names though…

Dear Naomi,

It was good seeing you. It felt weird. I didn’t really know how to act. I even felt as if it were some sort of prize for the decisions I had taken earlier that day. I didn’t say much, I mostly listened to you. But that’s what we usually did before anyways… I was afraid to ask a lot of questions, I didn’t want to pry. I’m not sure I’m allowed to pry anymore.

At first when you told me that I didn’t know what to say. My mouth was literally wide open and you asked me why I was so in shock. It wasn’t because of that. It was because the reality that I am missing out on so many things in your life I wish I wasn’t suddenly hit me like a brick wall collapsing over me. It hurt. That’s why I was so in shock. But after that it was really nice. It almost felt normal. Thank you, I guess. Because I know you don’t just do things. There’s always a reason.

To the moon,

Ruth

Dear Singer,

It was kind of a dumb thing to do… But you just passed by and although I was thinking about a completely different thing my mouth just kind of spat it out. You turned around and I froze. The following seconds are kind of a blur. All I know is I didn’t have the courage to look you in the eyes. Not so close-by, anyways. I felt really embarrassed and had to literally shake the memory of that moment off a couple times after through the night. I got home and told my brother about it. He laughed. I think it’s hard on him too.

I’m reminded of you on a daily basis, although lesser and lesser each day. It’s mostly on days where there’s time and I can’t occupy my mind with other things. I’m fighting for the 43, like we once sang about.

I see you and sometimes it makes me smile. Like those times a while ago when I was seeing you grow and felt incredibly proud of who you were becoming. There was this one time when I was sitting with Someone Else and I told her how it made me happy to see you grow. She laughed at me (or maybe with me?). She thought I was weird. You though I was weird at times, too.

It’s feels strange to feel weird about us when it used to be so normal. I still check the caller ID and hope to see  your number… But through the years we talked a lot about change, and our conclusions were always that change was always the best. I just never thought this is the point we’d reach in the end. This are still the best worst times of my life. He’s never been closer and my heart has never been hungrier. Jesus is becoming much more real to me. I never realized I really did actually need saving.

Thank you… Because if you hadn’t called that night I wouldn’t be here right now. It would have destroyed me completely. But you were brave, even though I’m sure you were as scared as I was. You’re still brave, you know? And I’m still very much proud of you. I hope one day I can tell you this.

Here’s to the 43 and to the light of His face shining down on us more and more and more each day.

Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Meditations, circa 2006

From my old blog. But very ad-hoc to what I’m experiencing right now.

People don’t change… But they can, they just don’t because it’s easier not to…

Am I going to change? I ask myself. Yes… It will not be easy. It will not be pleasant. It won’t be fast nor noticeable. At least you won’t think so… But it will be. It will be everything you wished for and more. It will be true and permanente if you give yourself in with all of your heart.

There are things you do because they tell you to. Not this. This is because you have no other option. You were made for this. Destined for this. In your heart, the depths of your heart, you know it is what it is. And you willingly give in. You let yourself stumble onto the darkness holding on to a promise of light. And surely: there it is. And you rejoice in the fact that those are the things you said you were made for. And that day: Today, you are there, and in your heart there was never any other option… sanctified.