Cleaning up takes time.

I’ve been at the new place for about a month and I’ve yet to have my second room all cleaned and sorted out. I’ve gone at it about five to six times, at two or maybe three hours each time, and there’s still a ton of stuff to sort out.

Yesterday it occurred to me that my life is many times the way I’m keeping my apartment. There’s this one room, the one filled with everything you’re not “using” at this particular time in your life. It’s filled with good memories, bad memories, a ton of trash and random knick-knacks. But it’s taking forever to clean it up.

It’s as easy as shutting the door to the room to forget that I even have all that mess in there. My bedroom is decently clean and organized; so is my dining/living-room. So I can go by days and days with my untouched room, gathering dust and still all piled up.

But then how do you get to the inner healing without facing the giant of cleaning up? You don’t. To get to the clean, organized room, you need the time, the effort and the pain.

Yet the lesson does not stop there. Cleaning up is a process. And by God how I’ve had my share of fights with processes. It was precisely yesterday that I was reading on how we’re (people) are into microwaving, while God, on the other hand, is into marinating.

Then I read something about marinating again in an old journal I stumble upon today.

Oh well, life lesson in the process of being learnt.

I had a vision a few weeks back during the school intercession. I saw the whole school, as if we were the people of Israel prior to taking over Jericho. I saw the desert time was coming to an end and a new time of living in the land of milk and honey was at hand. This summer would mark the time of conquest and the first giant was to be destroyed.

I remember preaching about this particular moment in Israel’s history – the taking over Jericho. Before entering the promised land, Israel was to face of the biggest, strongest enemy they had. Jericho was an fortress of a city, with massive walls that left little hope of overtaking it. Yet God had a divine plan to pull the walls down.

All it took was a few walks around the city and a shout of praise. He took care of the rest. Yet Israel had to take a position.

There are a few concepts that I’ve been hearing and seeing, and they have no particular order or absolute meaning (at least not now) that I just want to register for future use:

• Kingdom living
• Jesus – eyes on Jesus, heart filled with Jesus, my faith primarily on Jesus.
• Radical living. A little of what I remember talking about and fighting for in my teenage years.
• True christianity. Doers of the Word of God. Unashamed of the Gospel, filled with a passion like that of Acts where people gave their everything to follow Jesus and make His name known.

Beautiful Man, beautiful God,
You’re more than worth my time
You’re more than worth these longings of my heart left unfulfilled
Just for a time

And I know You don’t come as easy as some
But I will watch and pray, I will watch and pray

Take it all, take it all
Just give me Jesus, just give me Jesus

I don’t want any other lovers
I don’t want any other lovers

For all my devotion belongs to this Man
All my devotion belongs to this Man

I’ve been tempted to take down my previous posts because I feel they’re too telling and they reveal too much of a person I usually try to keep hidden behind the shadow of perfection and impressive achievements.

But God has been kind to remind me that He already knows me as I am. Not only does he know me as I am, He loves me as I am. So I am safe showing myself as I am – even if little by little, even if hidden in semi-metaphors and even if it makes me feel like I’m exposing too much.

Open heart.

Hm. Let’s keep trying that.

“Y la tierra estaba desordenada y vacía, y las tinieblas estaban sobre la faz del abismo, y el Espíritu de Dios se movía sobre la faz de las aguas.” Gen 1:2

Discutiendo con un amigo tiró un comentario al aire que realmente me movió el tapete.

“Platicando con otros dicen lo mismo: que así eres – cerrada. Te abres y te cierras de ratos, pero a final de cuentas que te abras es prácticamente imposible.”

Ese comentario, junto con el hecho de que una de las personas con la que más puedo platicar y abrirme está – por decirlo de alguna manera – temporalmente fuera de servicio,  ha hecho que este mes de diciembre mi válvula de “expresión de sentimientos” interna se sienta a punto de explotar.

Como suele sucederme, en el momento en que estoy viviendo la situación siento que me ahogo y que el vaso de agua en el que me encuentro es una tormenta calibre Jonás rumbo a Társis. Sin embargo, después de unos días o semanas mi perspectiva cambia y puedo ver mejor.

Así que tomando la ecuación de (VerdadQueNoQueríaVer + FaltadePersonaA) x (LocuraDeDiciembre) me encuentro con la respuesta que no hay mayor opción que comenzar a abrir el corazón.

… y todo ese rollo solo fue para explicar por qué me encuentro hablando y haciendo lo que voy a narrar a continuación. Ja. Es tarde y he dormido poco. Pero va.

Entonces estoy sentada con otra persona que quiero mucho y me pregunta, “¿Cómo estás?”

Queriendo ser tan honesta como puedo, y cansada de hacer como que todo está bien, le contesto, “Estoy… sólo estoy…”

Y empecé a abrir. Dejé de pensar qué pensaba de mi esa persona, que iba a decir de mis emociones y mis pensamientos y le dije cómo sentía que estaba caminando en un vacío y no sabía ni por dónde moverme – y le dije que “la verdad es que me estoy moviendo cada día con la poca fe que tengo.”

Y, mi acompañante del momento, siendo tan sabia y directa como es me volteó a ver a los ojos y me dijo “No con la poca fe que tienes… con la fe que tienes.”

Y en ese momento, me di cuenta que sí. Que me estoy moviendo con la fe que tengo. (Y le dije) que este tiempo ha sido diferente a años anteriores. Antes, estar como estoy (*feeling* in the middle of nowhere, internally) me hacía sentirme sola. Pero esta vez, aunque no siento la presencia de Dios, no estoy teniendo (lo que yo considero como) las grandes revelaciones y no estoy viendo casi nada, no me siento sola. Sé que Él está conmigo. Y no puedo explicarlo muy bien, así como tampoco puedo explicar muy bien como estoy – pero a pesar de la crisis, la evasión, el querer hacer las cosas bien, el tener las motivaciones encontradas, SE que Él está conmigo. No me siento sola. Y eso es totalmente inesperado, después de 23 años de práctica. Y en eso me muevo.

En que aunque no veo, no siento, no oigo y no se ni qué está pasando – no estoy sola; Él está conmigo.

Y para todo esto que está sucediendo, me dio una palabra de dónde agarrarme.

“Respondió Jesús y le dijo: Lo que yo hago, tú no lo comprendes ahora; mas lo entenderás después.” Jn 13:7

Así que ahí voy. Paso a pasito, sin prisas – aprendiendo a verlo a Él en medio de la tormenta, aprendiendo a que Él me dirige si lo busco (y nunca de la forma en que yo creo que lo va a hacer), aprendiendo a abrir mi corazón y dejar de querer tener todo compuesto y en orden.

2010 was one of the most intense and challenging years of my life. I learned a great deal of things, most of which I can’t fully understand. I’ve been trying to sit down and write in my journal for two days now with no apparent success. I will now try to do it here.

In my life summer comes with what I’ve come to call the “change of plans” season. Winter, on the other hand, is where the mid-term crisis strikes and my balance is tested. With the way this year was going, I imagined my winter as a “good” season. I’d be “good”. However, I’ve yet to find myself more broken and internally desperate as I am right now. Yet, this is a good thing, I’ve learned. A very good thing.

Now, instead of babbling on about the things that have happened I want to try and summarize or encapsulate some of the most important things I’ve learned about God, myself and life in general this past year. If anything, it has been a greatly educational time for me.

1. God is faithful. I used to have my bedroom walls painted with phrases and images of lessons “learnt” in life. After the fall in 2009 I decided I’d start over again and painted my bedroom walls white. I’ve only painted one thing so far, and I keep going back to the truth of those words. I don’t want to add more words because these seem like more than enough to chew out and digest for the time being.

“He who calls you is faithful, who also will do it” 1 Thesalonians 5:24

Everything I am and have is because God is faithful. He is faithful to His Word and faithful to the promises He has made to me. Everything God does is because He is faithful. I can trust on Him because what He does does not depend on my merits or achievements but on His faithfulness alone. If He called, He will do it.

2. I need Jesus. Every day. After the fall, I came to know Jesus as my personal Savior for the first time. Up until that time in 2009 I didn’t really understand my need for a Savior. I had it all made, what could I possibly need salvation from? Well, God made sure my perspective regarding salvation changed, and I am forever transformed by it. God made sure I realized I indeed was a saved sinner. Now, the more His light shone into my heart, the more I saw (and see) the darkness and dirt that plagued (and plagues) me. It is a nightmare, to face off your deepest sins and strongholds – turns out salvation was not a one time deal where I’m “saved for life”. I need Jesus’ power unto salvation daily to deal with the sin that’s rooted in my heart. Jesus saves me daily as I call unto Him for salvation every day. He is my Savior – from sin, from death, from myself.

3. I don’t know God. Everything I thought I knew about God was challenged and tested out this year. My weak conclusion is that I know so little about God it is sort of pathetic to even try and measure it. Truth is as much as I’ve read and studied and listened to sermons and whatnot, God is so vast and majestic I know as little about Him as I possibly could. I. don’t. know. God.

4. God wants me to know Him. Now, the good news about the previous realization is that it is not a truth to be depressed by but a reality to be provoked by. God made every provision for me to be with Him and know Him (eternal life is ultimately to know Him). He gave His Only Son to be killed that I would be with Him once again. That’s how much He wants me to be with Him and to know Him. His desire for me is to know Him.

5. I am not perfect and I will make mistakes. The fall in 2009 served greater purposes that I could ever imagine at the time it came to be. One of the most important things it brought me was the light to see my imperfection. I have struggled deeply to come to terms with this because I measure my self worth by how people perceive me to be “acceptable” or “not-acceptable”. Thus, I fight for perfection and I fight to prove myself worthy of everyone’s acceptance. Well I am not perfect. I covet, I lie, I cheat myself often, I judge, I’m proud, I’m bitter, I whine, I don’t follow instructions well and I tend to get depressed. And you know what? God knew that when He chose me and yet He chose me all the same. I would have never been able to see God’s desire for me – as I am – if I had not seen how much of a wild card I was in reality. God did not choose me because I am such a catch that He had to chose me. He chose me because He is God and for reasons I still don’t understand. He knows my weaknesses and my failures – even the ones I am yet to fall for, or commit. Yet He loves me the same. He does not demand perfection, so why should I demand perfection of myself?

There are probably a ton of things I am forgetting to write about – and many of the points I did write about could be full on blog post with a huge bibliography in themselves. There are “buts” and “ifs” and “yet” in each of them, but the purpose of writing them was not so much about giving profound explanations but recording simple realizations. That’s why I’m going to leave this list off here. I might write again tomorrow, or later tonight, as an initiation of sorts. This was a good year and God was good and faithful all through it. I am glad I am finishing off 2010 broken, down and with nothing to offer – that way God will have more to work with for 2011. He does great things from nothing. I am, indeed, nothing but what He makes of me. I am His.

To be so full of You that when I am utterly shattered – in my body and my emotions – light continues to shine and life continues to flow and You still have the preeminence.

I’m reaching the point of no return. Every song feels like it was written about and for me in this time.

My heart beats faster. Anticipation? Fear? Excitement?

Maybe I’m just tired.

No.

You are moving, even though I cannot see. I believe.

This is what You called me to.
This is what I chose.

This is what I was made for.

Faith in the Son of Man.

I will go. I’m just waiting for the Word.

The journey of this time is coming to an end. I find myself satisfied as I don’t quite understand what has happened. I just know it has.

The washing cycle seems to be almost over. Next up: tumble dry.

Through it all I will look You in the eyes because You invariably find me.

As always; from the inside out.
I wouldn’t have it any other way (neither have You).