still standing

Oh but we are frail creatures.

It is too often we fall short of what is expected (Romas 3:23). There is a yes in our hearts, longing to fit into a mold of perfection. As we wake up each morning and stand before the mirror we see glimpses of many things. Who we are, what we do, where we’re from… who we are to become. Many times we loose sight of these things and just see what seems to be there. Weakness. Frailty. Broknennes. Reluctant and hesitant in nature. Those days are the best kind of day to see who you really are, but only if you pay attention closely.

As I stood last Friday, guitar clinging to my body, heart exposed on my sleeve I literally felt like I couldn’t remain standing anymore. As I felt the pressure on my knees, on my feet, on my back, I was seconds away from breaking out in tears. I felt completely incapable, for the first time I really felt and knew I had nothing to offer, my mind was blank, my heart pounding softly reminding me I had not slept more than 3 hours in the past 2 days. I was tired. The week’s roundabout had taken it’s toll on me. I could feel it and yet somehow, I was still standing. God spoke to me softly. My little fighter, stop fighting me.

When David wrote “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?” (Ps 139) there is a connotation  implying he was, or had been, running away from God’s prescence.

I don’t know about you, but many times, stuck in the mundaneness of this world, I come to realize I myself am running away… lost in the to-dos, routines and habits.

However, at the end of the day, sitting in my room in prayer I come before my God with the obvious realization. “You have hedged me behind and before (Ps 139), you have hedged up my way with thorns (Hos 2:6)” and I’ve felt the pricks, and I’ve run into walls, and yet you hold me here, and in spite of me, I’m still standing.

Waste and other stuff like it

I really wish I wrote more than I do… I honestly start posts that I don’t finish and publish too many times.

The “t” key in my laptop is not working right so I have to really press it to get my writing done correctly. It’s starting to get annoying. Really.

It’s funny that many times I start my posts with some sort of note about how “things are crazy right now in my life” or something involving a vast amount of change and me coping with it any way I can. I came to realize, just now really, that what was I expecting really? The life of a Christian (or “Christ follower” like those weird videos I saw on Godtube.com that are spoofs of the Mac v.s PC ads) is always changing. It will always be changing. It’s a journey that involves walking, tripping, running, falling, getting up, making the right and wrong turn… but it’s a journey non the less, and a journey is not a still frame moment where I just wait for things to happen. Things happen as I move on.

There are many things that have been floating through my head these past days. Because of how I am, many of those thoughts are about “the future” and where I’m going to be (“what” is no longer a question, since I’ve learned my identity is and will forever be in Christ).

If I let myself be completely and utterly honest with you (whoever it is that’s reading this) I battle so much in my mind trying to figure out if the decisions I’m taking are eternally worthy decisions. Not necessarily right or wrong, more like they’ll last all through eternity and I’m not wasting my life learning how to do a differential equation that won’t move anything in the everlasting realm. I mean sure, if you look at it from certain perspectives, being able to solve differential equations or blah blah is a gift from God. There’s mathematical perfection in the world that reveals the character of our God, but do I really want to spend my life doing math equations? No, not really.

But then again, math is a really over the top example, since I don’t even like math. Take film for example. Do I want to spend five years of my life studying film and then immerse myself into the film industry to come out with this amazing work of art, that granted, most likely will reach lots of people? Or do I want to just sit at God’s feet and be a student of His heart? Am I going too much into things or is it truly a Mary/Martha situation I’m facing?

I’ve started hearing the term “waste my life for Christ” in the “die to yourself” context, where everything I am is left for waste to follow God. Going a bit into a biblical scene, when Mary and Martha had Jesus over for dinner, Martha was wasting her life trying to “serve” Jesus (albeit with a wrong spirit) while Mary was wasting hers sitting at Jesus’ feet hearing Him speak. It’s obvious that the waste I want to be doing is Mary’s type, but where is the line drawn? Where do I know that literally sitting at Jesus’ feet and just soaking into the Word or preaching if afterwards is the waste you’re called for? Then you see another scene of waste when Mary pours the perfume over Jesus’ feet completely disregarding the fact that it was an incredibly expensive perfume, probably the best thing she had. Can you see where I’m going with this?

Translated into my life I’m wondering about school basically. Do I actually want to go and get my bachelors about whatever and then do something with it? Or do I want to just let it go and fill myself with God. I don’t know, get some Bible school done, ministry school, something. Where do I want my life to go to waste into? Wait, let me rephrase… where does God want me to waste my life? And more so, am I really willing to waste it the way He wants me to?

There’s gotta be something more

So much has happened in my head these past couple of days. My heart is still settling and I’m finally seeing what Boston did to me.

There’s a cry in my heart for more. I want more of God in a way that I’ve never have before. School and work and even money just seem unimportant to a degree in which I’m scared I might be going off on the wrong tangent. Hanging out sometimes feels like a waste of time. All I want is to be in my room, play my guitar, read my Bible and be. Other times, since I can’t play the piano (not for long though), I have to ask my brother to play the piano while I sing and pray. There’s something indescribable about flowing in God’s Word and repeating His words over and over again, feeling them marinate in my spirit.

The reason why I’m so infatuated with the Prayer Room webstream is not because I like music (although I think I don’t like anything as much as I like music) but because they’re singing the Word. And repeatedly they sing verses that are beginning to stick to my heart. So I listen to the singers (who have an amazing voice for my taste… most of them anyways) minister to the heart of God and my own heart starts to be pulled into the words. Suddenly I’m being drawn more and more into His heart.

Then I’m taking a ride on the boat with my friends and it rains and all I can think of is God, His beauty and how I am so amazed by Him.

This might be a bold thing to say, especially so soon, but I think my mind is beginning to become more of a Godly mindset.

Movies seem irrelevant, secular music feel unimportant, books are a waste of effort.

I usually do this whole conclusion to my posts, which I’ve also been taught to do on anything I write. But I can’t conclude here. Maybe with a song that’s kinda been stuck in my mind that reflects my state in so many aspects.

…

Something More – Switchfoot

Augustine just woke up with a broken heart
All this time he’s never been awake before
At 31 his whole world is a question mark
All this time he’s never been awake before

Watching dreams that he once had
Feed the flame inside his head
In a quiet desperation of the emptiness
He says

“There’s gotta be something more
Than what I’m living for
I’m crying out to You”

Augustine, all his fears keeping falling out
All this time he’s never been awake before
Finding out his old dreams aren’t panning out
All this time he’s never been awake before

But he’s mad to be alive
And he’s dying to be met
In a quiet desperation of the emptiness
He says

“There’s gotta be something more
Than what I’m living for
I’m crying out to You”

Hey, I give it all away
Nothing I was holding back remains
Hey, I give it all away
Looking for the grace of God today

You’re all I want

Just push “play”

It’s been almost a week since I got back and I feel like I didn’t leave at all. I’m still a little disoriented and have not fully gone into my daily routine, but being here is letting me see what really happened in my heart while I was away.

However, many things do feel the same. Dinner time still entails my mom telling my brother not to use all those napkins; Driving to church still means taking the same route drilled into my head; Waking up still comes with that little ray of sunshine creeping through the blinds.

But regardless of how everything might still feel the same, I feel different. Inside.

I feel much more established and firm than how I felt (or was) before I left.

Leaving wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. To tell you the truth I was almost expecting me to “fail”, having to come back looking down at my feet in regret. But Boston was a 40 day victory. I came back sure of who I am and where I belong. Not in Boston, not in Tampico, not even in this Earth, really. I am my beloveds and I belong in His presence.

This year started off with a prophecy about identity, character and direction. They said this year I would see the beginning of what is to come in my life. I can see it now. It’s not school, it’s not family, it’s not ministry either. It’s intimacy and understanding. It’s knowledge and revelation. It’s a hunger. It’s more like the search for hunger, a hunger that will move me and drive me all through eternity.

I came back weak and fragile. Weak because I succumb to my own desires once too often. Fragile because I am made of clay. I came back broken and with absolutely nothing to offer. Broken because my eyes were opened to my fears and my insecurities. With nothing to offer because whatever I have is not really mine, but God’s.

beginnings of understanding

Wisdom – the quality of having experience, knowledge and good judgment.

-

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”… So I can fear God when I know God because the reality of who He is is made a reality in me. The fear of God overcomes me as I develop knowledge of Him; as I become wise with the knowledge of Him. I can’t fear that which I don’t know… So as I immerse myself into the Word and who God is I will encounter the fear of the Lord, in me.

I’m sorry, WHAT?!

I was reading Psalms yesterday when I stumbled upon a familiar verse that says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” (Ps 111:10) and decided to finally look up the origin of each word on e-sword.

My first meditations on this verse (it was familiar because it’s also on Pr 9:10 and Pr 1:7) lead me to understand that for me to have wisdom (or knowledge [particularly of God], as the other verses say) I needed to have fear of God.

But last night I found out the origin of the word “beginning” used on all three verses.

Both on Psalm 111:10 and Proverbs 1:7 the word comes from the Hebrew “ray-sheeth’” and means: “the first, in place, time, order or rank (specifically a firstfruit): beginning, chief (-est), first (-fruits, part, time), principal thing.

However in Proverbs 9:10 the word “beginning” comes from the Hebrew “tekh-il-law’” and means: “from H2490 in the sense of opening; a commencement; relatively original (adverbially originally: -begin(-ning), first(time).

and the Hebrew H2490, which is “khaw-lal’” is a primitive root meaning “to begin (as if by an opening-wedge)

so then… conclusion:

Is it then, that the fear of the Lord is a FIRSTFRUIT of wisdom and knowledge [of God] rather than a necessity for us to acquire wisdom and knowledge [of God]? Is the fear of the Lord an opening of wisdom, a commencement of wisdom rather than a consequence?

To be continued… once I gain more understanding in this. Because it all just took a freaky turn on me.

He loves me to the end

Sometimes I find myself running away from the things that I want the most.

“And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jer 29.13

I know I want to find Him. I know I really want to find Him. But then it’s 11:54 at night and I’ve been putting off the search. I’ll just do this… I’ll just to that… I’m gonna finish this first… and not really because I have to.

I wonder if I’m afraid of Him…

These past week I’ve been realizing fear has become such a large part of my life I can’t actually live. I don’t enjoy.

I’ve been fighting against it. Every time I find myself saying “I’ll never do this” I make myself do it…

small, random things: take out a Boston map on the subway [and look like a tourist... this according to me.]; turn around while walking on the street because I really did want to eat at that food place I just passed by;  go to the movies by myself and watch Nancy Drew; smile at a stranger… first having made eye contact with said stranger.

Duck tours, restaurants, changing my Starbucks order because I made a mistake.  Generally making mistakes.

Talking about it with my theory professor I came to a simplified conclusion: it’s liberating.

Living with no regards of what other might think of you is liberating. It’s empowering. It makes you smile as you calmly make your way home after an afternoon movie at Boston’s busiest movie theater.

This is in no sense something heroic. It’s just fighting. Fightin’ mah fears, that’s it.

Then I pray that I do actually fear Him, not in the way I contemplated before. In a way that the earth trembles all around me, walls crashing down, hindrances aside and all that’s left is a broken heart surrendered to His jealous love.

where at?

“The fear of man bringeth a snare: but those who putteth his trust in the LORD shall be safe” Pr 29:25